She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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