Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We are two peas in an std pod
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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