you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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