she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
