I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
