Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
