She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
