I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
