i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Still dying that you shit outside
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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