so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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