If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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