I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
