I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
operation harelip BJ is a go
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
