I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
