My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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