Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize