I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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