...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
