I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
