she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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