Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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