I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Randomize
