the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
