I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
