i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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