Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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