I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
