They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
