Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
