It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
