Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm getting married
To pizza
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
