I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
