it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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