I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
