I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
