I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Two words: blizzard sex
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
