I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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