You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
