When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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