dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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