there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
