They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
