The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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