who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
