At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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