I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
