Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
