just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
