yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
