it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
