just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
