I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
