Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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