A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
