Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
