fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
