I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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