After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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