I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize