Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
